


Ill-fated

by Pcillam



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28828413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pcillam/pseuds/Pcillam
Summary: Amanda still struggles to trust Olivia a year into their marriage, when a phone call forces secrets to surface will she finally lean on the only family that have stuck by her?
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Ill-fated

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SVU RELATED TOPICS

_ I should be grateful; I should feel safer; I should be free.  _

_ I should tell her, but why? _

_ She would worry, and I’m over it!  _

Amanda decided not to follow her wife to bed as she had planned. Instead, she stood at the door to her daughter’s room, watching her breathing and praying to whoever listened that both of her babies would never have to experience this. She doesn’t know how long she had been standing there, but when her legs grew tired, she shuffled to bed. First popping her head into her son’s room checking he was asleep, Eddie clutched to his chest as always.

Her bones ached as she settled in beside Olivia, instantly feeling comforted by the other women’s presence. Olivia fast asleep as Amanda cuddled up next to her. Falling asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

That was the first night Patton haunted her.

Olivia and Amanda had been married only a year; their relationship was well established before Olivia had been brave enough to ask Amanda to be her wife. Amanda had been ecstatic. Their relationship had bloomed not too long after Amanda had become a mother, both of them relying heavily on one another as single moms.

They were made for one another Amanda had concluded after only a week of agreeing to take things to the next level. So it was surprising that even after two years of dating, one year of marriage and many years of friendship Amanda couldn’t find it in herself to tell Olivia details of her most shameful night. Olivia was very open about her time with Lewis, her undercover operation at sealview and her childhood. The trauma still haunted the older women, as did Amanda’s so why couldn’t she unload onto her wife. 

Olivia had admitted the impact that Lewis still had on her day to day life years after the fact when she had a particularly awful nightmare while the two were still only friends. She had called Amanda in the middle of the night and begged her to drive over with her baby in tow to her apartment. It had been then that Amanda had noticed just how much she loved the brunette, she’d have done anything for her the minute she heard the sobbing on the other line without question. Although doing much better the odd case still shakes her, nightmares although much less frequent still have her sobbing in bed next to her wife and the scars that litter her body will on occasion send her into a flashback if she’s particularly vulnerable. 

And each time Amanda will hold her soothe her, promise her she’s safe. 

Amanda knew this is what her wife would do if she came clean. If she told her what happened, the lie, however, was now well established, she felt too far in to dig herself back out. Sometimes she felt just like the same old Amanda she was before Jesse, before Olivia and Noah. The Amanda who was far too reckless, who would lie and whose main concern was not getting caught doing whatever she was at the time to cope. She was doing better, they still had arguments that envied that of the Titans, but when needed Amanda knew to apologise. She had also started seeing a therapist at the request of Olivia. It had helped immensely to deal with her childhood trauma and thus made her a better mom. But Amanda hasn’t even mentioned the sexual assault to the Doctor, and telling Olivia the details of those awful days in Atlanta felt borderline Impossible.

A few days had passed since the phone call informing her that her old deputy chief had died. Olivia and Amanda had the apartment to themselves that morning, Amanda could barely contain her excitement as her wife returned to their apartment. She was laying in bed stark naked on top of the comforter lying in wait of her gorgeous Olivia. 

“Oh… hey baby.” The tall brunette said, wasting no time and pulling off her sweatshirt and laying down next to the blonde, her hand resting high upon her thigh. Sex between the two women had always been heated, intense, passionate and full of love. This time was no exception.

Amanda roughly squeezed Olivia’s breast in her right hand, her other hand braced against the wall as she pounded their toy into her wife’s throbbing sex. Throwing her head back as the clit bumper brought her to the edge and she felt Olivia pull her in deeper. She pulled her wife flush against her as she adjusted the angle, removing her hand from her wife’s tit to furiously rubbing at the brunette’s clit and Olivias body went stiff, holding Amanda in place. She kissed down Olive toned skin as she worked the woman in her arms back down from her orgasm. As Olivia moves to lie down, she slowly pulls out the strap on bouncing back and causes her to buck her hips. 

Olivia stares in awe of her wife, pulling the blonde close to her, unclipping the straps and removing the dildo, pressing the button that slips nicely into the slot on the strap. Watching her wife’s face as she brought it to the blonde woman’s twitching clit. Amanda didn’t hold back her scream as the vibrating sensations took over her body. Her clenching core was begging for attention, knowing she was already wet enough, she bucked her hips in desperation. Olivia slipped two fingers in testing just how ‘ready’ the blonde was relishing in the feel of the muscles pulling her in tighter. 

Amanda’s mind was whirring arousal taking over her as she felt her love run the length of her sex with the vibrator mixing their juices. She tenses as her experience tenfold when Olivia inserts two fingers inside of her, and she bares down, desperate for more until she feels the tip at her entrance. 

“NO!” she says before her brain has had a chance to think. Olivia stops instantly hearing the utter terror in the blonde’s voice. 

“Baby?” Olivia asks soothingly, immediately turning off the vibrating toy and throwing it away. 

Amanda is laying stock still, shocked at herself for asking Olivia to stop. She was enjoying herself even to the point where she had asked her wife to stop. Was this because of  _ him _ ? Him. HIM! Her eyes went wide as her mind went back to those torturous days. 

Olivia starred as Amanda curled into a ball, her hand placed tight between her legs covering herself up as she began to shake. Immediately Olivia sprang into action, her heart breaking at the sight and tears stinging her eyes. 

“Okay baby, okay. I stopped.” She soothed as she backed away from the blonde pulling her sweatshirt on and her leggings back up sticky thighs. “Amanda? Listen to me, sweetheart, you’re okay. You’re safe here in our apartment, just you and me.” She continued her voice soft and calming. Her ‘victim voice’ as her squad would call it. “You’re at home in New York, with your wife. Our kids are out. It’s just you and me baby.” She continued sitting near the blonde.

“Liv.” Amanda gasps as she reaches a hand out for her wife, her Anker. 

Olivia grasps on tight and settles back down beside Amanda when she feels the younger women pulling her to her. 

“I’m sorry,” Amanda whispered as she cuddled in next to the brunette. 

“Don’t be sorry my love, never apologise for this.” She hushed as she ran her hand through the younger woman’s hair. “But let’s talk about it, hmm can you tell me what happened?” 

“I just got lost in my head, and when I felt the head, I panicked. I’m sorry.” She repeats her head hung low. 

“And you had a flashback?” Olivia guessed her soothing touches on the blonde, not stopping as she prodded desperate for the younger woman to open up finally. It had been years, and Olivia hadn’t heard Amanda talk about what had happened in Atlanta even when she had outright asked, there were no secrets between the two women apart from Amanda’s trauma that she refused to let out. Instead choosing to shrug it off and tell Olivia the bare minimum. 

“Mmm no not a flashback, just got weirdly scared. Like, I knew I said no and that you’d stopped but I... I don’t know.” She explained. “I was enjoying it; I am enjoying it. I don’t even know why I asked you to stop, but you changed position, and I had a split second to think, and I just got overwhelmed. I’m sorry.” She explained a blush forming. Looking up at the older woman biting her lip with a shrug, oozing vulnerability. She hadn’t had a flashback but had been incredibly uncomfortable. Wanting to ensure the very worried Olivia that she knew where she was but found the reminders soothing.

Olivia took the explanation at face value; she trusted Amanda enough to know that if it had been more, she’d tell her. “Okay baby girl. I’m sorry you got overwhelmed. We’ve all been there. I want you to remember you’re safe and you can talk to me if you want?” She tried again to get Amanda to open up. God knows she was desperate to find out what had changed. In all of the years, she and Amanda had been intimate; the blonde had never asked to stop or needed a break. Olivia, on the other hand, had a couple of times. 

“Oh Olivia,” Amanda starts exacerbated, “it has nothing to do with… that! I’m just stressed out.” She finished knowing it was a lie but unable to hide her contempt at the idea of being seen as anything less than the strong, stoic woman she had strived to be in recent years. 

“Stressed out about what?” Olivia prodded, looking down at her wife, she could see the anxiety I etched into her features. 

“So much... the usual..” she was tearing up again, there was too much she was exhausted. She wanted to tell Olivia everything let it spill out of her, but when she opened her mouth only a sob fell out, then another until she was screaming and wailing.

“Olivia.” She whimpered between sobs reaching out and relishing in being pulled flush against her wife’s warm, soft body. She clung and cried before forcing herself back together as quickly as she could. 

“Sorry, these past few cases have been too much.” LIE! She’d been fine with the workload, in fact, grateful for the distraction. “And the kids,” LIE. __

_ Blaming your children, Amanda, good move. Just TELL her.  _

“I’m sorry! I have just let it all build up.” True, she was drowning. Desperate for a life raft. 

_ Tell her!  _

“Oh, baby girl, I’m so sorry. Let it out.” Olivia soothed. 

_ Let it out, tell her. _

_ DON’T _

_ Stuff it in! Hide it! She’d know you lied, years and years of deception.  _

Amanda wiped her eyes, “I’m sorry, I love you.” She choked out and clung to her wife as she held all her feelings at bay.

  
  



End file.
